JOLOXX

Dolphin update

2008-09-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

I continue to uphold that the Dolphins are one of the stupidest mismanaged teams in the NFL. We did have a solid beat down of the most evil and hated teams in the league. (Seriously Bill Belichick reminds me of Mr. Burns in his seeming enjoyment at the misery of others).

Ok. We had a real nice win, but it was so much more about scheming and coaching than personnel. The dolphins are less talented this year than last year, even if they end up winning more games. I would be ok if we were less talented, but had a plan in place to get a lot of good players, but no such plan exists.

The Dolphins are so smart

2008-09-19T12:21:00.000-07:00

How come nobody is bitching that the Miami Dolphins gave away Zach Thomas for absolutely nothing. Everyone is praising Bill Parcells for cleaning house, but he didn't get anything back for the pieces he cleaned. Zach Thomas - released. Marty Booker - released. Package those 2 guys and tell me they are not worth at least a 4th rounder (Dallas would've still taken Thomas and could've used Booker seeing as how they're receiving corp sucks ass).

Also, why would we trade a 4th rounder for Lord James Chadwick Bartholomew Pennington (that's his full British name)? If we were really trying to rebuild we wouldn't give away 4th round draft picks for quarterbacks that are only marginally better than Josh McClown (that's his circus name) at this point in their careers. Especially when other guys are available for 0 draft picks including Byron Leftwich (a guy who has almost 10,000 yards and 52 TD's to 38 int's for his career), Quinn Gray (don't laugh, in 8 games last year he threw 10 TD's and only 5 int's), Joey Harrington, or get someone out of retirement including Daunte Culpepper, Jeff George, Drew Bledsoe, or Quincy Carter.

Am I missing something? Everyone keeps saying Parcells is cleaning house. Am I forgetting about a big move or something? He has neither tried to build the team up with free agency nor broken it down to accumulate draft picks (could've traded joey porter [31], will Allen [30], vonnie holliday [32], and jason ferguson [33] [Ferguson we actually aquired in the offseason {why acquire a 33 year old nose tackle? because Parcells is a stubborn red ass who won't change his defensive scheme even if his personnel dictates that he use another set}])

There is no difference (so far) between the current coaching/management regime and the ones before it. I don't see any plan for the future. Just more plugging in the gaps by trading away draft picks in an attempt to minimize losing instead of growing some balls, taking a few risks, and trying to really make a team that is built to be dynamic, exciting, fun to watch, and most importantly built to WIN.

But stay the course it seems to be working great. Every week I have to watch a football game that is more painful than this:

What a great commercial

2008-09-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

I'm very confused. Apparently punching a teammate in the face, breaking his nose, gets a Carolina Panthers player a two game suspension, but recklessly blowing up a barn via aerial football attack while speeding and trying to steer with, what would appear to be, greasy fried chicken covered hands hands goes unpunished. The Panthers even go so far as to send their cheerleaders in support. What hypocrisy.

Anna Paquin (star of the new show TRUE BLOOD) goes to psychologist Harry Caray

2008-09-17T05:37:00.000-07:00

Caray: Hey Norm, you look a lot hotter than last time. Did you lose weight?

Anna: No, Dr. Caray, you ask me that every week....I haven't lost any weight. I'm Anna Paquin I have been your patient now for 3 and a half years.

Caray: Oh! Cuz you look a bit bolemish, Norm.

Anna: (awkwardly giggles) oh....um....no I told you its been years since that period of my life....I'm totally over that now (looks down embarrassed).

Caray: Last time you were here you were telling me you feel different than other people.

Anna: Lately I have been able to hear people's thoughts....it's so disturbing. Every guy I meet; I can hear all of his inner most thoughts. And let me tell you, they all think very very dirty thoughts about me.

Caray: wow....paranoid schizophrenic delusions......I've had those a few times. Just drink some warm milk, take a long bath, and you'll be right as peaches in the summer.

Anna: (eyes begin to tear up) no its real I swear. I can prove it. Think about anything and ill tell you what you're thinking.

Caray: (thinks about what it would be like if Anna were a hot dog. Thinks he would smother her in brown mustard and relish. Thinks she would be delicious.) My minds a total blank......I just cant think of anything.

Anna: Just like I suspected. Like every other man you were thinking dirty thoughts about me.

Caray: Hey.......if eating a hot dog is wrong I don't wanna be right.

Anna: Hot dog?!?!?! don't try and cover it up. You were thinking of ripping off my clothes and ravaging my creamy naked body. Thrusting your way into my tight nether-regions against my fighting outstretched arms. You want me just like every man I've ever met before. So what do you have to say for yourself, Doctor?

Caray: Well that sounds like a dandy of a Sunday you have planned. Myself, I have a special weekend psycho-therapy session with Isaac Hayes. I'm planning on going on an old fashioned horse and buggy ride where he can serenade me with beautiful rhythmic songs that make me want to make sweet lovin'.

(secretary walks in and whispers something in Harry Caray's ear)

Caray: Apparently Isaac Hayes is dead. I guess I'll be taking a horse and buggy for one. (makes sad pouty face)

Anna: Stop changing the subject. I hope you never have anyone to ride in your horse and buggy after those gross thoughts about me.

Caray: Eating a hotdog is gross? So your a vegetarian?

Anna: I am not a vegetarian.......I can hear your thoughts and they are highly offensive.

Caray: Glad to hear you're not a vegetarian.......I would have had to start eating twice as much meat to make up for what you don't eat. I can't stand animals. We need to all do our part to get rid of them. So happy you agree. So what am I thinking now? (thinks about what the moon would taste like. Thinks most people think it tastes like cheese. Thinks it probably tastes like barbecue spare ribs. Thinks about if he could get a ride on a Chinese spaceship to the moon so he can finally find out. Thinks Chinese people's feet are too small and decides it would creep him out.)
Anna: Well you certainly have a dirty mind. I don't even know if I can utter what you just thought because it was so dirty, but here goes. You were thinking what it would be like to watch me and another woman go ass to ass with a......(looks around. whispers) dildo!

Caray: I had a cat named Dildo once. HEY.........Hey, Norm you're not losing it on me are you? I don't think I can continue this if you're gonna go all psycho on me. I will defend myself if I have to. I'll come at you like a tornado of arms and fingernails and teeth.

Anna: What? that's preposterous you are my psycho-therapist. Isn't that your job?

Caray: I'm really not sure.....Well that's all the time we have for today....join us next week when we discuss Anna's childhood sexual abuse! CUBS WIN! CU........

Anna: what?!?!?!?!?!?! I was never molesteded........this is rediculous.......

Caray: CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN!

Gregg Easterbrook is so fucking smart it hurts my brain

2008-09-16T13:35:00.000-07:00

This guy is so insanely smart. The way he analyzes numbers is amazing. I am in awe of his smarts. I love TMQ (Tuesday morning quarterback) his weekly installment of football insights as well as unique and interesting insights about the world. OK enough of me kissing Easterbrook's taint, here is an excerpt from this week's column (kind of a long one, but worth the read):

More on Mileage and Politics: Last fall, after 20 years of strident inaction, Congress finally passed a bill to increase the fuel efficiency of cars, SUVs and pickup trucks. There was a lot self-congratulation on Capitol Hill. The law seemed to mandate roughly a one-third increase in new-vehicle MPG by 2020 - enough to eliminate the oil the United States imports from the Persian Gulf. Sounds great! But as your columnist wrote in December 2007, "TMQ is hugely suspicious … [there is] a waiver provision that says that if the new standards prove too onerous, automakers can ask they be waived. That is a formula for what Washington specializes in: the appearance of dramatic action while nothing actually happens." So what's going on in Washington right now? Pleading poormouth, the big three automakers are already asking for a waiver from the 2015 interim standard, which requires roughly a 15 percent improvement in fuel efficiency. That standard does not take effect for seven years, and already Detroit automakers are saying they can't meet it.
Or perhaps, they don't want to try. Lee Hyun-Soon, president of Hyundai, told the Wall Street Journal last week his company will meet the entire 2020 standard by 2015, and will do so entirely with conventional vehicles -- no complex plug-in hybrids, just sensible engineering using existing technology. Whenever Washington seems to get serious about oil waste, Toyota, Honda, Hyundai and Subaru put their engineers to work -- then build, at American factories staffed by American workers, vehicles that comply with MPG rules. Whenever Washington seems to get serious about oil waste, Chrysler, Ford and General Motors put their lobbyists at work to dilute or evade the standards. There are only 535 people in the United States so gullible they would believe Korean engineers can meet a technical standard, yet American engineers cannot. Unfortunately, those 535 people are the members of the United States Congress.
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AP Photo/Ron Edmonds
Are they the 535 most gullible people in America?
Has anyone from the mainstream media followed up on how last year's seemingly strict MPG bill is being watered down? As Eric Patashnik of the University of Virginia details in his powerful and timely new book "Reforms at Risk," reporters are often present when "dramatic" legislation passes, then treat the enactment as the end of the story -- paying no attention as lobbyists later water down a bill. As Thomas Friedman points out in his important new book "Hot, Flat and Crowded," the refusal of Congress and the White House to take any real action against oil waste has had the effect of transferring hundreds of billions of dollars to Moscow, and to the oil sheiks who support anti-Western and anti-Israel terrorism. If MPG standards were higher, oil demand would fall. Instead, high demand holds up barrel prices, enriching Persian Gulf dictatorships and Vladimir Putin. Why, Friedman asks, is Russia suddenly confrontational? Because in the past two years, Russian elites have gotten super-rich, owing to rising oil prices brought on at least in part by U.S. stupidity regarding petroleum waste. If Congress grants Detroit the MPG waivers it seeks, the stupidity will march on.
Meanwhile, back at the federal budget: In 1976, the entire U.S. national debt was about $800 billion, converted to today's dollars. Last summer, Congress without debate and with barely any notice added $800 billion to the national debt ceiling -- raising that ceiling by an amount equal to the entire debt a generation ago. With no debate! The U.S. national debt was $5 trillion in 1997, and has doubled to almost $10 trillion since. Why aren't the young outraged? The old are acting irresponsibly -- spending like crazy but unwilling to tax themselves, then handing the bill to the young. If the young were spending borrowed money like crazy, the old would be lecturing them. How come in Washington, the old can get away with behavior that would be called reckless for the young?
At any rate, the moment another $800 billion worth of borrowing was authorized, supposedly for "emergency" purposes, lobbyists got to work trying to seize every penny now. The big three automakers are now asking Congress for $50 billion of that $800 billion, supposedly to retool to build the fuel-efficient vehicles they had no way -- just no way on Earth -- of knowing they would ever be required to build. As Paul Ingrassia pointed out in last week's Wall Street Journal, when Congress bailed out Chrysler in 1980, the deal was structured so that if the company recovered, taxpayers got most of their money back. But what's being asked for now is pure subsidy -- money taxpayers will never see again, and that will be used in part to fund the bonuses of overpaid auto executives who got their companies into trouble in the first place. (The Journal opposes the bailout, though the $50 billion would go to Corporate America.) Ingrassia further notes that when Chrysler's Lee Iacocca tried to weasel out of the deal and keep the money that was promised back to taxpayers, Ronald Reagan stood firm and would not budge. Contrast Reagan's sense of civic responsibility to the current president and Congress, both of which just cannot wait to give away other people's money.
Now connect the dots! The automakers are asking for $50 billion in handouts to meet new fuel economy requirements -- at the very time they are also asking for waivers from those requirements. If the past is any guide, they will get both the subsidies and the waivers. The net will be zero progress, more billions of dollars for oil shipped to anti-American forces in the Persian Gulf, and more debt handed to everyone under the age of 30.

Simple and thought provoking

Libraries kick ass

2008-09-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

I am the Library liaison for all my friends. I always spout about how fucking downright awesome libraries are. Why in the fuck does anyone buy books? Why does anyone buy movies for that matter either? I don't know when the last time you checked out what programs your local library offers, but chances are you'll be pretty surprised at the services that libraries offer. I still can't tell why anyone subscribes to services like blockbuster or netflix when virtually the same service (takes a little longer to get the titles you want, you have to pick up and return items, and there are late fees) is available from your local library for free. My library has a vast collection of movies, and adds to it every week as new dvd's are released. All I have to do is go online and place holds for new movies as they come out.

Shit, I find myself refusing more and more often to subject myself to the calamity that is going to a movie theater. I would rather just wait till the movies come to DVD then watch them from the comfort of my couch, eat and drink whatever I please, and smoke till bad movies get good. Although some movies even the stickiest dank cant fix.
All in all, Libraries kick slightly less ass than Bruce Lee, which is still a tremendous amount of ass to be kicking.

Entourage finally has an episode that features Vinny

2008-09-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

Entourage is a show that's supposed to be about a budding movie superstar and his "entourage" of friends. (If you don't know the show stop reading right now, crawl back into your cave, and drop the rock back on top of you [hopefully killing you]). The focus of the show, however, has up until now primarily focused on the friends. I always considered Eric "E" Murphy to be the real "star" of the show. Vince, the movie star, has always played a lesser role mostly acting as a vehicle to create story lines that the other characters had to deal with and act out.
Season 5's second episode seems to signify a change in the focus of the show. We were given more of an in depth look into Vinnie's character than we ever have before (previously Vince's trist with Mandy Moore was the most soul we ever saw from him). The normally go with the flow Vince started showing some emotion about his floundering career and even went so far as to take some initiative in his actions. I think the show is gonna take a new direction featuring Vince and Eric, Johnny Drama, and Turtle are going to take a backseat.

Personally I think this approach is a mistake. Having Vince as a brainless, useless, lazy, superstar is the way to go. Furthermore, the show shouldn't feature anyone in the entourage. The show should be all about Ari, the undisputed show stealer of the series. Or what they should really do is create a spinoff show for Ari. Vince and the entourage could show up as guests every once in a while, and we would get all the Ari Gold rants we could handle. Suck on a bag of dicks HBO (and for the love of god bring back Lucky Louie).

Jeff Garcia is dumb

2008-09-12T12:13:00.001-07:00

Recently news broke that Jeff Garcia injured his ankle and would be replaced by Brian Griese. The article explains that Garcia is injured and underperformed a little. Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden says he is "going to give him a week off and try to get him ready to go. Brian Griese is a guy who's had a good training camp. We're going to give Brian the ball and rally around him. Hopefully Jeff can get back ready to roll soon."
Very obviously Gruden was trying to protect his aging (and declining) quarterback. He gave Garcia a perfect excuse for not being played. He allowed Garcia to save face and claim he wasn't playing due to injury.
Jeff Garcia then retardedly comes out and says he is healthy, good to go, and ready to practice and play at a high level. How fucking stupid is this guy. What good did coming out to the media and saying he could play (if the coach wasn't benching him for being shitty). Now not only is he benched, but everyone knows it has nothing to do with an ankle injury, and has everything to do with him not being good at his job. All of this has confirmed my opinion that Jeff Garcia is both a giant douche bag as well a turd sandwich

Do clutch players exist?

2008-09-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

Short answer: no

Longer answer:

My friends and I often argue about whether or not players can be clutch. And while I agree that there are times when certain players do come through in a clutch situation, this in no way means that these players are clutch. For our purposes here we will use wikipedia's definition (even though it lacks citations).
Recently one of my friends sent me the a link to Lenny Dykstra's blog in an effort to show me that real players believe in clutch (I can't tell why this would mean clutch exists, but whatever). Of course I couldn't let this offense go so I felt compelled to try and change his mind (absolutely futile effort). Without going into detail about how the statistics show no evidence I merely let him know that Lenny Dykstra is (with all due respect) a douchebag. I sent him an article by Joe Sheehan of baseball prospectus explaining their stance on clutch and an article by Rob Neyer that goes into more detail and explains some of the stats that would seem to contradict the theory of clutch players.
To this my closed minded friend replied, "You can never prove to me that there is no clutch." This caught me off guard. I had to really wonder was he saying that nothing I could show him or say to him would ever change his mind, or that nothing I could show him or say really did prove that there are no clutch players (hey the stats don't lie, but they also don't prove that nobody can be clutch.....maybe one day there will be a player whose stats increase when the pressure is on, or perhaps something else entirely that I haven't thought of). Then I thought wait why should I have to prove anything. I wrote him back the following:
"you are 100% correct I can never prove that clutch doesn't exist. I can only point out the flaws of clutch theories. Much like proving god doesn't exist...it cannot be done. The burden of proof should lie in the person who wants to prove that something does exist (i.e. prove god exists and i will become a believer). What evidence is there that supports the idea of players being clutch (besides the fact that you have faith in it)?
Furthermore about proof. What you think you have is a theory, and scientifically speaking a theory cannot be proven only unproven. The statistics indicate that there is no pattern of any player to be clutch. Doesn't this disprove your theory? If there was statistical evidence that gravity was not consistent and varied under different times then scientists would have to go back to the drawing board with theories about why and how we stick to the earth. All I would like to know is what is the evidence that supports your theory. another part of the definition of a scientific theory is that it can be supported scientifically and tested (i.e. with gravity you can drop a rock 100000 times and it will always fall). Tell me anything that supports the idea that there are clutch players. Name a player that falls into this category. "
Then I got the most surprising message I've ever read:
"as of right now you are right"
I was so pleased with this response I didn't even bother writing back. I just basked in the warm glow of my victory. I had to savor it....I mean how often do I get to win an argument. Absolutely the tits!!!!!